Ok, you start to think that something must be really wrong when the alternate, imaginary life that you have so carefully constructed sucks just as much as your real life. What the hell am I talking about, you may wonder.... but nevermind, just believe me, everything is a double mess when not even your imagination lets you escape into a wonderful, perfect world. In fact, it sucks when that alternate life is depressing you just as much as your "real" one... or even more. Oh, well, that's what I get for wanting something so bad. I feel like screaming and punching something, which I probably won't do unless I put on some howling music to tear my throat. Ok, Im gonna stop now with the nonsense.
Just one more thing: I'm so hating him right now. I just want to slap some sense into his invisible brain...
(One of the greatest lines in a movie in the history of the world deserves to be put in here: YOU FUUUCK!! YOU FUCKING FUCK!! YOU FUCKING FUUUUCCCKKK!!! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!??! -Lord of War, courtesy of Jared Leto's beautiful acting.)
Nonsense mode = OFF
Friday, October 10, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Got to remember this always...
- No te contentes con menos de lo que realmente deseas.
- Cuídate de aceptar ofrecimientos de seguridad y tranquilidad a expensas de tu propia libertad creadora. Tan pronto cambies tu libertad por la ilusión de la seguridad, te será difícil recuperar esa libertad.
- Sigue el impulso de tu corazón y recibirás bendiciones y favores inesperados.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I don't want history to repeat itself... Not again.
Sus pisadas recorren los pasillos
Escucho sus oídos ávidos de palabras,
buscando rarezas en la rutina,
sospechando en los rincones de la casa.
Me escondo bajo las sábanas
rezando para que mi voz muera en el aire
y así poder hablar sin miedo.
Despierto en la misma habitación.
De nuevo me cubro con la mentira
pero no puedo evitar derramar esta sal líquida
que me arde por dentro.
Esos pasos me atormentan.
Resuenan en mi cabeza como truenos.
Espero aterrada el momento
en que vuelva a escucharlos gritar,
en que sienta sus voces desgarrando
mi vida de nuevo, como papel...
en que vuelva a ver mi sangre
embarrada en sus manos
y ya no pueda respirar más...
_______________________________________________________
Escribí este poema hace 5 años. ¿Cómo es posible que esté volviendo a sentir exactamente lo mismo tanto tiempo después? ¿Todo este tiempo que ha pasado no ha servido para nada entonces? Creo que he estado haciendo mal las cosas... muy mal.
"So I stop talking and fade to bleak,
feeling insignificant, atrophied and weak.
Even though it's not who I know myself to be,
The Queen, the Confidence,
doesn't speak...
Your words they bring hurricanes.
Braving Shakespearean tempest,
The Mighty Tiger,
doesn't blink...
So I stop talking cause you always want me to shut up.
Take the center stage meanwhile I become your trusted, silent prop.
So take good care, this mighty woman's ready to explode,
Fire here below the surface of my volcano."
-Paula Cole, "14" lyrics
I don't ever want to feel this terrible and paralizing fear again. I cant allow myself to bow my head again, not again. Not anymore... I need to transform this panic in strength somehow. I have to be strong, as strong and constant as a mountain. The hurricane will have to get tired someday and realize that it cant do nothing against me.
Escucho sus oídos ávidos de palabras,
buscando rarezas en la rutina,
sospechando en los rincones de la casa.
Me escondo bajo las sábanas
rezando para que mi voz muera en el aire
y así poder hablar sin miedo.
Despierto en la misma habitación.
De nuevo me cubro con la mentira
pero no puedo evitar derramar esta sal líquida
que me arde por dentro.
Esos pasos me atormentan.
Resuenan en mi cabeza como truenos.
Espero aterrada el momento
en que vuelva a escucharlos gritar,
en que sienta sus voces desgarrando
mi vida de nuevo, como papel...
en que vuelva a ver mi sangre
embarrada en sus manos
y ya no pueda respirar más...
_______________________________________________________
Escribí este poema hace 5 años. ¿Cómo es posible que esté volviendo a sentir exactamente lo mismo tanto tiempo después? ¿Todo este tiempo que ha pasado no ha servido para nada entonces? Creo que he estado haciendo mal las cosas... muy mal.
"So I stop talking and fade to bleak,
feeling insignificant, atrophied and weak.
Even though it's not who I know myself to be,
The Queen, the Confidence,
doesn't speak...
Your words they bring hurricanes.
Braving Shakespearean tempest,
The Mighty Tiger,
doesn't blink...
So I stop talking cause you always want me to shut up.
Take the center stage meanwhile I become your trusted, silent prop.
So take good care, this mighty woman's ready to explode,
Fire here below the surface of my volcano."
-Paula Cole, "14" lyrics
I don't ever want to feel this terrible and paralizing fear again. I cant allow myself to bow my head again, not again. Not anymore... I need to transform this panic in strength somehow. I have to be strong, as strong and constant as a mountain. The hurricane will have to get tired someday and realize that it cant do nothing against me.
Monday, September 8, 2008
And life still sucks... bigtime...
It just keeps getting worse. What the fuck is wrong?!?!?! oooh, but I know exactly what is wrong... the problem is how the hell can I fix it when I'm still so mad!! crazy-mad, seeing-all-red mad! How the fuck can I talk to someone who doesnt want to listen? who thinks everything they do is right and everything I do is wrong!?!? who systematically makes me feel like shit, like I have no worth and am not capable of thinking for myself? Someone who thinks I am selfish for wanting to do my life???
They are drowning me!! I cannot breathe!! Please, just stop it!! YOU ARE KILLING ME!!!!
They are drowning me!! I cannot breathe!! Please, just stop it!! YOU ARE KILLING ME!!!!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Life sucks... (II)
...and then, not so much.
I can see now. The black film that was covering my heart is gone. Yeah, this is just a game, a beautiful lie, sometimes not so beautiful, sometimes it feels like it's the truth... but it is not.
I just remembered what Life is really about, remembered what's important and what's not. I felt the water falling over my skin, washing away all those dark thoughts that aren't mine. I listened to my favorite music (yeah, 30 seconds to Mars) and remembered that life is worth everything else; that music, art, sky and ocean are worth living. We are all going to die anyway, why not enjoy the ride while we are in it?
I love how 30 seconds to Mars's music always makes me feel better, no matter how down I am, no matter the lyrics... their music sings to my soul and wakes me up, makes me smile, makes me strong.
I know there are people out there who truly care about me, who truly love me, who would be crushed if something bad happened to me and who are happy when something good happens to me. So what if a lot of things suck? When there is love in your life you can keep on moving to the end of the world and beyond.
And I need to say some words to someone special:
Thank you, sis. You are a light in my life and I love you very much. You have been my golden best friend, my sister, for almost a year now and I am deeply thankful for your friendship and support. Te quiero un chorro, tú lo sabes. Gracias *inserte abrazo de oso*
I can see now. The black film that was covering my heart is gone. Yeah, this is just a game, a beautiful lie, sometimes not so beautiful, sometimes it feels like it's the truth... but it is not.
I just remembered what Life is really about, remembered what's important and what's not. I felt the water falling over my skin, washing away all those dark thoughts that aren't mine. I listened to my favorite music (yeah, 30 seconds to Mars) and remembered that life is worth everything else; that music, art, sky and ocean are worth living. We are all going to die anyway, why not enjoy the ride while we are in it?
I love how 30 seconds to Mars's music always makes me feel better, no matter how down I am, no matter the lyrics... their music sings to my soul and wakes me up, makes me smile, makes me strong.
I know there are people out there who truly care about me, who truly love me, who would be crushed if something bad happened to me and who are happy when something good happens to me. So what if a lot of things suck? When there is love in your life you can keep on moving to the end of the world and beyond.
And I need to say some words to someone special:
Thank you, sis. You are a light in my life and I love you very much. You have been my golden best friend, my sister, for almost a year now and I am deeply thankful for your friendship and support. Te quiero un chorro, tú lo sabes. Gracias *inserte abrazo de oso*
Life sucks...
...and then you die.
Today for the first time in my life, I thought about actually killing myself. Don't freak out just yet, just read me. For a few minutes, too many if I may say so, I lost my will to live and thought that life was not worth to keep on trying. I couldn't breathe, the walls closed up around me and everything went dark. Why should I keep on fighthing? I felt I was not strong enough to live this life... I imagined putting the gun in my mouth, pulling the trigger and ending this once and for all.
But then I realized that, maybe I was not strong enough, but that I was brave enough to keep on living. I am not a coward, I don't want the easy way out. It wasn't even a realization... it was more like a feeling in my gut, that will to live, that resilience... that stupid stubborness that forces me to go on and not let myself fall.
It was really weird, you know, thinking about that, actually considering it. But it was interesting to walk those darker paths in my mind... why not tread them and know them so that they wont caught me by surprise someday? "Don't be afraid of what your mind conceives..." My mind just had a very morbid thought this morning. It doesn't scare me, it just makes me realize that I can do whatever I want but I would never take my life. I love myself enough to care.
Today for the first time in my life, I thought about actually killing myself. Don't freak out just yet, just read me. For a few minutes, too many if I may say so, I lost my will to live and thought that life was not worth to keep on trying. I couldn't breathe, the walls closed up around me and everything went dark. Why should I keep on fighthing? I felt I was not strong enough to live this life... I imagined putting the gun in my mouth, pulling the trigger and ending this once and for all.
But then I realized that, maybe I was not strong enough, but that I was brave enough to keep on living. I am not a coward, I don't want the easy way out. It wasn't even a realization... it was more like a feeling in my gut, that will to live, that resilience... that stupid stubborness that forces me to go on and not let myself fall.
It was really weird, you know, thinking about that, actually considering it. But it was interesting to walk those darker paths in my mind... why not tread them and know them so that they wont caught me by surprise someday? "Don't be afraid of what your mind conceives..." My mind just had a very morbid thought this morning. It doesn't scare me, it just makes me realize that I can do whatever I want but I would never take my life. I love myself enough to care.
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