The soundtrack of my life...

For the past 3 weeks, it seems everytime something happens to me, I found a phrase or an entire verse in one of Alanis Morissettte's songs that fits perfectly with what I am living or feeling. It's rather strange, you know... the soundtrack of my life right now is based entirely in her music.

There is so much strength, so much honesty, and light in her words...

"You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of what I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here..."

That's for you, my beloved... wherever you may be... Thank you.

El amante que necesito...

Esta mañana, hojeando una revista, me encontré con un artículo llamado "Sexy Zodiaco: tu guía astrológica completa para el amor, la sensualidad y el sexo." Lo más curioso de todo es que me describieron a la perfección, muahaha. Creo que sí soy bastante Tauro.

Bueno, el caso es que venía una sección que se llama El amante que necesitas (dícese pareja) y eso es lo que les voy a poner aquí, nada más para que chequen:

"El hombre con el que te comprometas debe hacerte sentir segura, deseas sentirte protegida y mimada. Él debe ser alguien confiable, debe mantener sus promesas y mostrar su lado sensible. Si le gustan los niños, será un gran punto a su favor. Definitivamente necesitas un amante hábil con un equipo físico generoso (jajajaja, lo siento, me dio mucha risa cuando leí eso) y, aunque te cueste admitir tu lado materialista, algo que no pasarás por alto es que sus ingresos también deberán ser generosos."

¿Cómo ven? jeje

Bueno, así que ya sabes, si cumples con estas características... búscame ;) jajajajaja.

P.D.- Creo que olvidaron poner que debe ser increíblemente guapo jijiji... Sí, ya sé... no quiero pavo también? Pues no, gracias, no como carne :P

Why cant we make this darkness feel like home...

I don't understand. Nothing makes any sense right now... Could someone please explain it to me? Could someone give me an answer, a meaning to this all? 'Cause my brain is so full of fog I just can't listen to myself...

Every freaking breath burns me like hell...

Starry-eyed me?

Hell, yeah. I am a starry-eyed fallen angel, so what? My eyes see into infinity and I like to fall apart. Does anyone have a problem with that?

This doesn't make me less wise or more unstable. It just makes me who I am, who I really am. I'm an freaking romantic: always reaching out for the unattainable, the mistery, the Night... the dark beyond the stars.

The voice of a thousand drums calls me into the wild, into His forest... into His arms. This longing for Him is ever present and I can't get rid of it. But it's just part of who I am too.

So I may be lost right now... or maybe I'm just shedding my old and now useless skin. And it's a painful process and it takes a lot of courage and strength to do it. And sometimes I get really tired, cause it seems the old skin is heavier than I thought... and other times it feels like that old skin is safer than the new one. But I don't want it anymore. It wasn't my own skin in the first place.

So, yeah, everything's a little messy right now. My feet are in the mud but my eyes are in the stars. And my heart is bleeding, beating, calling for you...

"The rhythm of this trembling heart is beating like a drum... it beats for you, it bleeds for you... it knows not how it sounds... for it is the drum of drums... it is the song of songs..." -A.L.-

Starry-eyed me? But of course... I am an entire universe walking on this planet... When was it otherwise?

Sincronicity

A song I've already listened to weeks ago mutated before my very ears this morning. I've had a part of it dancing in my head, again and again, until I had to play the damn song in my stereo... and so I pushed the play button and the melody started, and then Paula Cole's voice filled my room and her words pierced through the fog in my brain and touched my already tender heart... and I melted down and started crying all the frozen tears that had been crushing my heart for far too long.

The song is called "El Greco" and it's in Paula Cole's new album, Courage. Here it is:

I’m black on blacker velvet,
Milk skin and veins,
Like some El Greco painting,
So full of pain.
So full of longing for light of day.

I thought I knew who I was in the world.
But here I am twice blind at being born,
Crawling to my buried voice, within.

And I’ve forgotten who I used to be.
And I’ve forgotten the woman in red,
Living her dream.
And I’ve forgotten the courage I used to be.

Happiness is overrated,
It never lasts.
Skating the surface of oceanic depths.
Oh may the fruit of my life be meaning.

So please forgive me all my seriousness,
My so-called spirituality,
I’m just a mess.
I’m tears and anxiety,
But I’m unafraid to See.

And I’ve forgotten who I used to be,
The leader in her glory shining, divining.
And I’ve forgotten, the courage I used to be,
The middle passage is so damned humbling,
persona crumbling,

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try, and I try.
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know,
And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try, and I try.

Like some El Greco painting,
No sun or sky.
No lantern, no candle needed to light,
The holy radiance behind the eyes.

And I’ve forgotten who I used to be.
And I’ve forgotten the woman in red, living her dream.
And I’ve forgotten the courage I used to be.

I don’t know...

I want to be free from desolation and despair...

I have forgotten what is was like when the smell of wet earth made me happy... when all it took to make me smile was to watch the rain fall down or stand under the trees at night and let the breeze sway me with them...

I have forgotten a lot of things because I stopped believing... I dont believe anymore and it has been many years that I've felt this way. And now that I want to believe again... no, it's not that i "want" to believe... now that I NEED to believe again I can't; a knot is tied around my heart like a prison with thorns and it crushes my chest everytime I feel something close to hope or love or light... and it won't let me breathe... and it has turned my life into a terrible ocean of dark and strong undercurrents where there's no light nor air nor a single moment of peace... and I can't find the way out.

I'm drowning in myself... I have lost myself...

Maybe I should stop holding on so hard and let myself fall deeper into darkness... maybe there I will find my light, on the other side...

Questions...

"And I don't know where to look...

My words just break and melt...

Please, just save me from this darkness...

please, just save me from this darkness..."

I don't know why we are alive. If a brain is all there is to us, if when it dies we dissapear, the very things that made us who we were cease to exist, why are we here then? What's the point of it all?

If I believe myself to be special is being a megalomaniac, if seeing my Horned Lord in the forest is just a hallucination, if true love doesn't exist but in my wildest dreams... why is it worth to be alive? What do I live for in a world where no one believes in magic anymore? Where there is nothing sacred or mystical left?

In a world ruled by money and economic power... why am I here? Why?

I don't want to live in a world where you don't exist, my love...

I just don't want to...