Sincronicity

A song I've already listened to weeks ago mutated before my very ears this morning. I've had a part of it dancing in my head, again and again, until I had to play the damn song in my stereo... and so I pushed the play button and the melody started, and then Paula Cole's voice filled my room and her words pierced through the fog in my brain and touched my already tender heart... and I melted down and started crying all the frozen tears that had been crushing my heart for far too long.

The song is called "El Greco" and it's in Paula Cole's new album, Courage. Here it is:

I’m black on blacker velvet,
Milk skin and veins,
Like some El Greco painting,
So full of pain.
So full of longing for light of day.

I thought I knew who I was in the world.
But here I am twice blind at being born,
Crawling to my buried voice, within.

And I’ve forgotten who I used to be.
And I’ve forgotten the woman in red,
Living her dream.
And I’ve forgotten the courage I used to be.

Happiness is overrated,
It never lasts.
Skating the surface of oceanic depths.
Oh may the fruit of my life be meaning.

So please forgive me all my seriousness,
My so-called spirituality,
I’m just a mess.
I’m tears and anxiety,
But I’m unafraid to See.

And I’ve forgotten who I used to be,
The leader in her glory shining, divining.
And I’ve forgotten, the courage I used to be,
The middle passage is so damned humbling,
persona crumbling,

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try, and I try.
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know,
And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try, and I try.

Like some El Greco painting,
No sun or sky.
No lantern, no candle needed to light,
The holy radiance behind the eyes.

And I’ve forgotten who I used to be.
And I’ve forgotten the woman in red, living her dream.
And I’ve forgotten the courage I used to be.

I don’t know...

I want to be free from desolation and despair...

I have forgotten what is was like when the smell of wet earth made me happy... when all it took to make me smile was to watch the rain fall down or stand under the trees at night and let the breeze sway me with them...

I have forgotten a lot of things because I stopped believing... I dont believe anymore and it has been many years that I've felt this way. And now that I want to believe again... no, it's not that i "want" to believe... now that I NEED to believe again I can't; a knot is tied around my heart like a prison with thorns and it crushes my chest everytime I feel something close to hope or love or light... and it won't let me breathe... and it has turned my life into a terrible ocean of dark and strong undercurrents where there's no light nor air nor a single moment of peace... and I can't find the way out.

I'm drowning in myself... I have lost myself...

Maybe I should stop holding on so hard and let myself fall deeper into darkness... maybe there I will find my light, on the other side...