My house...

I sometimes feel like this house is dead and the ones that live in it are just shadows of human beings who walk around like zombies and take that deadness outside with them wherever they go. And there we go, walking around and around, not talking to each other, each inside their own bubble of bitterness and frustration, unable to reach out inside each other's space and look into our eyes.

I sometimes feel like I'm dying in this house; like I only get to watch Life passing by my window... watch it burst into colors and dance and sparkling butterflies taking sunbaths... but never allowed to join in the fun.

I have been feeling for a while now that this house is not my home anymore... It doesn't feel like that anymore...

I sometimes feel like I'm fading away, vanishing... becoming a ghost, trapped inside here for eternity, like The Others. Never allowed to leave, never allowed to smile or love or kiss or scream or cry or get mad or talk or dance or make love and let myself go... never allowed, never allowed, never allowed not even to breathe...

...not even to live...

Me doy cuenta de que me faltas...

Me doy cuenta de que me faltas
y de que te busco entre las gentes, en el ruido,
pero todo es inútil.
Cuando me quedo solo
me quedo más solo
solo por todas partes y por ti y por mí.
No hago sino esperar.
Esperar todo el día hasta que no llegas.
Hasta que me duermo
y no estás y no has llegado
y me quedo dormido
y terriblemente cansado
preguntando.
Amor, todos los días.
Aquí a mi lado, junto a mí, haces falta.
Puedes empezar a leer esto
y cuando llegues aquí empezar de nuevo.
Cierra estas palabras como un círculo,
como un aro, échalo a rodar, enciéndelo.
Estas cosas giran en torno a mí igual que moscas,
en mi garganta como moscas en un frasco.
Yo estoy arruinado.
Estoy arruinado de mis huesos,
todo es pesadumbre.

- Jaime Sabines -

Starting a new year...

So, the first post of this year and here I am, a wounded, angry wolf hiding in the deep of the forest, screaming to the heavens for the lack of meaning of everything, howling to the moon for consolation.

I feel sometimes in the center of it all how just a another turn of my thoughts would make everything fall into place, and then everything would make sense... but it's so frustrating when it doesn't happen, that I can't seem to make it happen and I just linger here and diminish with every passing second.

No one is going to save me... that's what I keep repeating over and over again... but why not? Why does it have to be like this? Just because it is it doesn't mean it should be. Something is so wrong but I can't see what it is, I don't know, I don't know...

Just save me, save me, please... I need you so badly...