About Life...

I just talked on the phone with one of my best friends. She told me about how a couple of guys broke into the clinic she works on when she was alone, and how they beat her up and tried to choke her to death with a cable. They even didnt took the money, they just stole a laptop... She survived and she's doing pretty well, all things considered.

I am not going to talk about the fucked up human beings that did that to her. Or about all the madness and craziness we are living in or the hatred and fear that seem to be the core of our society. I want to talk about Life. I want to talk about Love. I want to talk about how much I love her and how scared I was that I almost lost her... in just one second. And how I believe that no matter how miserable and evil a person might seem, that person is just trying to repair himself, and doing the best he can do with what he has.

It is funny... what I felt mostly when I was talking to her was this strange sensation that started to spread from my heart to my chest and all of my body... and I realized that it was Love. Love for this life that is so fragile and precious, for this instant, for the air that I am breathing, that keeps me alive... this breath of life that is like the tides, like the waves...

And I remembered this:
"...it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..."
-American Beauty-

I realize now that I've been letting the routine and the everyday life take the Magic away from me... How right Jung was when he talked about synchronicity. My soul is stirring after a long time of numbness. I am waking up again now. I can feel how Life is returning to this desolate land I've been walking on somewhere inside of me.

It's time to reconnect. Time to wake up.

Oh, not again...

You've honestly got to be kidding me. Again? We are going through the same fucking thing again? Come on!!! LEARN godammit!!! Stop doing that!!! So much drama... just stop acting like children...

I am not a part of you, I'm not one of your limbs. I am a separate individual who, really, has things to do. Nothing's going to happen if I can't go! GOD!!! *frustrated sigh*

A sigh from the soul...

Our story isn't making me happy anymore :( In fact, it's just making me feel more miserable *sigh* It isn't supposed to do that...

Exactly the way I've been feeling...

Staind - Pardon Me

I'm one stop from a breakdown
Two steps from being safe
Just try to see this through

I'm three steps from this nightmare
And four steps from the door
The rest is up to you

Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away
Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say
Pardon me if I can't fake it while you still believe
Pardon me

I'm one step from forgiveness
And two steps from my grave
We're all just passing through

Three steps from redemption
Four from the devil's door
On a path that leads to you

Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away
Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say
Pardon me if I can't fake it while you still believe
Pardon me

Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away
Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say
Pardon me if I can't fake it while you still believe
Pardon me

I'm two steps from salvation
But i'm only taking one
Pardon me

My house...

I sometimes feel like this house is dead and the ones that live in it are just shadows of human beings who walk around like zombies and take that deadness outside with them wherever they go. And there we go, walking around and around, not talking to each other, each inside their own bubble of bitterness and frustration, unable to reach out inside each other's space and look into our eyes.

I sometimes feel like I'm dying in this house; like I only get to watch Life passing by my window... watch it burst into colors and dance and sparkling butterflies taking sunbaths... but never allowed to join in the fun.

I have been feeling for a while now that this house is not my home anymore... It doesn't feel like that anymore...

I sometimes feel like I'm fading away, vanishing... becoming a ghost, trapped inside here for eternity, like The Others. Never allowed to leave, never allowed to smile or love or kiss or scream or cry or get mad or talk or dance or make love and let myself go... never allowed, never allowed, never allowed not even to breathe...

...not even to live...

Me doy cuenta de que me faltas...

Me doy cuenta de que me faltas
y de que te busco entre las gentes, en el ruido,
pero todo es inútil.
Cuando me quedo solo
me quedo más solo
solo por todas partes y por ti y por mí.
No hago sino esperar.
Esperar todo el día hasta que no llegas.
Hasta que me duermo
y no estás y no has llegado
y me quedo dormido
y terriblemente cansado
preguntando.
Amor, todos los días.
Aquí a mi lado, junto a mí, haces falta.
Puedes empezar a leer esto
y cuando llegues aquí empezar de nuevo.
Cierra estas palabras como un círculo,
como un aro, échalo a rodar, enciéndelo.
Estas cosas giran en torno a mí igual que moscas,
en mi garganta como moscas en un frasco.
Yo estoy arruinado.
Estoy arruinado de mis huesos,
todo es pesadumbre.

- Jaime Sabines -

Starting a new year...

So, the first post of this year and here I am, a wounded, angry wolf hiding in the deep of the forest, screaming to the heavens for the lack of meaning of everything, howling to the moon for consolation.

I feel sometimes in the center of it all how just a another turn of my thoughts would make everything fall into place, and then everything would make sense... but it's so frustrating when it doesn't happen, that I can't seem to make it happen and I just linger here and diminish with every passing second.

No one is going to save me... that's what I keep repeating over and over again... but why not? Why does it have to be like this? Just because it is it doesn't mean it should be. Something is so wrong but I can't see what it is, I don't know, I don't know...

Just save me, save me, please... I need you so badly...