Life sucks... (II)

...and then, not so much.

I can see now. The black film that was covering my heart is gone. Yeah, this is just a game, a beautiful lie, sometimes not so beautiful, sometimes it feels like it's the truth... but it is not.

I just remembered what Life is really about, remembered what's important and what's not. I felt the water falling over my skin, washing away all those dark thoughts that aren't mine. I listened to my favorite music (yeah, 30 seconds to Mars) and remembered that life is worth everything else; that music, art, sky and ocean are worth living. We are all going to die anyway, why not enjoy the ride while we are in it?

I love how 30 seconds to Mars's music always makes me feel better, no matter how down I am, no matter the lyrics... their music sings to my soul and wakes me up, makes me smile, makes me strong.

I know there are people out there who truly care about me, who truly love me, who would be crushed if something bad happened to me and who are happy when something good happens to me. So what if a lot of things suck? When there is love in your life you can keep on moving to the end of the world and beyond.

And I need to say some words to someone special:

Thank you, sis. You are a light in my life and I love you very much. You have been my golden best friend, my sister, for almost a year now and I am deeply thankful for your friendship and support. Te quiero un chorro, tú lo sabes. Gracias *inserte abrazo de oso*

Life sucks...

...and then you die.

Today for the first time in my life, I thought about actually killing myself. Don't freak out just yet, just read me. For a few minutes, too many if I may say so, I lost my will to live and thought that life was not worth to keep on trying. I couldn't breathe, the walls closed up around me and everything went dark. Why should I keep on fighthing? I felt I was not strong enough to live this life... I imagined putting the gun in my mouth, pulling the trigger and ending this once and for all.

But then I realized that, maybe I was not strong enough, but that I was brave enough to keep on living. I am not a coward, I don't want the easy way out. It wasn't even a realization... it was more like a feeling in my gut, that will to live, that resilience... that stupid stubborness that forces me to go on and not let myself fall.

It was really weird, you know, thinking about that, actually considering it. But it was interesting to walk those darker paths in my mind... why not tread them and know them so that they wont caught me by surprise someday? "Don't be afraid of what your mind conceives..." My mind just had a very morbid thought this morning. It doesn't scare me, it just makes me realize that I can do whatever I want but I would never take my life. I love myself enough to care.

To my green-eyed future...

Y luego en el silencio te diré: te quiero... y detendrás tu aliento sobre mi cara, perderás tu rumbo en mi mirada y se te olvidará la vida amándome...