Life sucks...

...and then you die.

Today for the first time in my life, I thought about actually killing myself. Don't freak out just yet, just read me. For a few minutes, too many if I may say so, I lost my will to live and thought that life was not worth to keep on trying. I couldn't breathe, the walls closed up around me and everything went dark. Why should I keep on fighthing? I felt I was not strong enough to live this life... I imagined putting the gun in my mouth, pulling the trigger and ending this once and for all.

But then I realized that, maybe I was not strong enough, but that I was brave enough to keep on living. I am not a coward, I don't want the easy way out. It wasn't even a realization... it was more like a feeling in my gut, that will to live, that resilience... that stupid stubborness that forces me to go on and not let myself fall.

It was really weird, you know, thinking about that, actually considering it. But it was interesting to walk those darker paths in my mind... why not tread them and know them so that they wont caught me by surprise someday? "Don't be afraid of what your mind conceives..." My mind just had a very morbid thought this morning. It doesn't scare me, it just makes me realize that I can do whatever I want but I would never take my life. I love myself enough to care.