My house...

I sometimes feel like this house is dead and the ones that live in it are just shadows of human beings who walk around like zombies and take that deadness outside with them wherever they go. And there we go, walking around and around, not talking to each other, each inside their own bubble of bitterness and frustration, unable to reach out inside each other's space and look into our eyes.

I sometimes feel like I'm dying in this house; like I only get to watch Life passing by my window... watch it burst into colors and dance and sparkling butterflies taking sunbaths... but never allowed to join in the fun.

I have been feeling for a while now that this house is not my home anymore... It doesn't feel like that anymore...

I sometimes feel like I'm fading away, vanishing... becoming a ghost, trapped inside here for eternity, like The Others. Never allowed to leave, never allowed to smile or love or kiss or scream or cry or get mad or talk or dance or make love and let myself go... never allowed, never allowed, never allowed not even to breathe...

...not even to live...

Me doy cuenta de que me faltas...

Me doy cuenta de que me faltas
y de que te busco entre las gentes, en el ruido,
pero todo es inútil.
Cuando me quedo solo
me quedo más solo
solo por todas partes y por ti y por mí.
No hago sino esperar.
Esperar todo el día hasta que no llegas.
Hasta que me duermo
y no estás y no has llegado
y me quedo dormido
y terriblemente cansado
preguntando.
Amor, todos los días.
Aquí a mi lado, junto a mí, haces falta.
Puedes empezar a leer esto
y cuando llegues aquí empezar de nuevo.
Cierra estas palabras como un círculo,
como un aro, échalo a rodar, enciéndelo.
Estas cosas giran en torno a mí igual que moscas,
en mi garganta como moscas en un frasco.
Yo estoy arruinado.
Estoy arruinado de mis huesos,
todo es pesadumbre.

- Jaime Sabines -

Starting a new year...

So, the first post of this year and here I am, a wounded, angry wolf hiding in the deep of the forest, screaming to the heavens for the lack of meaning of everything, howling to the moon for consolation.

I feel sometimes in the center of it all how just a another turn of my thoughts would make everything fall into place, and then everything would make sense... but it's so frustrating when it doesn't happen, that I can't seem to make it happen and I just linger here and diminish with every passing second.

No one is going to save me... that's what I keep repeating over and over again... but why not? Why does it have to be like this? Just because it is it doesn't mean it should be. Something is so wrong but I can't see what it is, I don't know, I don't know...

Just save me, save me, please... I need you so badly...

To every guy...

"'Cause I know you're out there . . .

To every guy that's said, "Sex CAN wait"
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her."

...This post is for you... wherever you are.. if you still exist somewhere...

Parece que no tuviera nada que hacer...

Cuatro días sin ti...

Cuatro días sin ti, sin tu manera,
sin tu voz ni tu gesto...
Cuatro días de ausencia
en tu recuerdo
Desde el jueves aquel en que te fuiste
húmeda de besos,
yo estoy aquí a la sombra de mí mismo,
Contándome los dedos.
Tan cerca para mí,
pero tan lejos para poner
sobre tu boca un beso.
Tan cerca para mí,
en mi recuerdo,
y yo tan solo y frío,
tan lánguido y tan tierno...

Ayer me fui hasta el mar
a ver un buque y a estirar mi sueño,
por tal de recordar aquellas noches
de amor, frente a un lucero...

Ayer me fui hasta el mar...
Y el mar, ah, que pequeño
para la angustia enorme
que no me cabe dentro...

Cuatro días de ausencia para los dos.
Cuatro días sin vernos,
con tanta soledad
y tanto miedo...
Tú tan pequeña allá bajo la luna
de otra casa, otro patio, otro silencio.
Y yo tan grande aquí, frente a los ojos
de los que pasan por el puerto...

Cuatro días sin ti, sin tu manera,
sin tu voz ni tu gesto...
Cuatro días sin sol en mi camino
Cuatro noches de invierno...

-J.P.L.M.-

New Moon...

"Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason.... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

-Edward Cullen - (New Moon by Stephenie Meyer)