Life sucks...

...and then you die.

Today for the first time in my life, I thought about actually killing myself. Don't freak out just yet, just read me. For a few minutes, too many if I may say so, I lost my will to live and thought that life was not worth to keep on trying. I couldn't breathe, the walls closed up around me and everything went dark. Why should I keep on fighthing? I felt I was not strong enough to live this life... I imagined putting the gun in my mouth, pulling the trigger and ending this once and for all.

But then I realized that, maybe I was not strong enough, but that I was brave enough to keep on living. I am not a coward, I don't want the easy way out. It wasn't even a realization... it was more like a feeling in my gut, that will to live, that resilience... that stupid stubborness that forces me to go on and not let myself fall.

It was really weird, you know, thinking about that, actually considering it. But it was interesting to walk those darker paths in my mind... why not tread them and know them so that they wont caught me by surprise someday? "Don't be afraid of what your mind conceives..." My mind just had a very morbid thought this morning. It doesn't scare me, it just makes me realize that I can do whatever I want but I would never take my life. I love myself enough to care.

To my green-eyed future...

Y luego en el silencio te diré: te quiero... y detendrás tu aliento sobre mi cara, perderás tu rumbo en mi mirada y se te olvidará la vida amándome...

The soundtrack of my life...

For the past 3 weeks, it seems everytime something happens to me, I found a phrase or an entire verse in one of Alanis Morissettte's songs that fits perfectly with what I am living or feeling. It's rather strange, you know... the soundtrack of my life right now is based entirely in her music.

There is so much strength, so much honesty, and light in her words...

"You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of what I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here..."

That's for you, my beloved... wherever you may be... Thank you.

El amante que necesito...

Esta mañana, hojeando una revista, me encontré con un artículo llamado "Sexy Zodiaco: tu guía astrológica completa para el amor, la sensualidad y el sexo." Lo más curioso de todo es que me describieron a la perfección, muahaha. Creo que sí soy bastante Tauro.

Bueno, el caso es que venía una sección que se llama El amante que necesitas (dícese pareja) y eso es lo que les voy a poner aquí, nada más para que chequen:

"El hombre con el que te comprometas debe hacerte sentir segura, deseas sentirte protegida y mimada. Él debe ser alguien confiable, debe mantener sus promesas y mostrar su lado sensible. Si le gustan los niños, será un gran punto a su favor. Definitivamente necesitas un amante hábil con un equipo físico generoso (jajajaja, lo siento, me dio mucha risa cuando leí eso) y, aunque te cueste admitir tu lado materialista, algo que no pasarás por alto es que sus ingresos también deberán ser generosos."

¿Cómo ven? jeje

Bueno, así que ya sabes, si cumples con estas características... búscame ;) jajajajaja.

P.D.- Creo que olvidaron poner que debe ser increíblemente guapo jijiji... Sí, ya sé... no quiero pavo también? Pues no, gracias, no como carne :P

Why cant we make this darkness feel like home...

I don't understand. Nothing makes any sense right now... Could someone please explain it to me? Could someone give me an answer, a meaning to this all? 'Cause my brain is so full of fog I just can't listen to myself...

Every freaking breath burns me like hell...

Starry-eyed me?

Hell, yeah. I am a starry-eyed fallen angel, so what? My eyes see into infinity and I like to fall apart. Does anyone have a problem with that?

This doesn't make me less wise or more unstable. It just makes me who I am, who I really am. I'm an freaking romantic: always reaching out for the unattainable, the mistery, the Night... the dark beyond the stars.

The voice of a thousand drums calls me into the wild, into His forest... into His arms. This longing for Him is ever present and I can't get rid of it. But it's just part of who I am too.

So I may be lost right now... or maybe I'm just shedding my old and now useless skin. And it's a painful process and it takes a lot of courage and strength to do it. And sometimes I get really tired, cause it seems the old skin is heavier than I thought... and other times it feels like that old skin is safer than the new one. But I don't want it anymore. It wasn't my own skin in the first place.

So, yeah, everything's a little messy right now. My feet are in the mud but my eyes are in the stars. And my heart is bleeding, beating, calling for you...

"The rhythm of this trembling heart is beating like a drum... it beats for you, it bleeds for you... it knows not how it sounds... for it is the drum of drums... it is the song of songs..." -A.L.-

Starry-eyed me? But of course... I am an entire universe walking on this planet... When was it otherwise?

Sincronicity

A song I've already listened to weeks ago mutated before my very ears this morning. I've had a part of it dancing in my head, again and again, until I had to play the damn song in my stereo... and so I pushed the play button and the melody started, and then Paula Cole's voice filled my room and her words pierced through the fog in my brain and touched my already tender heart... and I melted down and started crying all the frozen tears that had been crushing my heart for far too long.

The song is called "El Greco" and it's in Paula Cole's new album, Courage. Here it is:

I’m black on blacker velvet,
Milk skin and veins,
Like some El Greco painting,
So full of pain.
So full of longing for light of day.

I thought I knew who I was in the world.
But here I am twice blind at being born,
Crawling to my buried voice, within.

And I’ve forgotten who I used to be.
And I’ve forgotten the woman in red,
Living her dream.
And I’ve forgotten the courage I used to be.

Happiness is overrated,
It never lasts.
Skating the surface of oceanic depths.
Oh may the fruit of my life be meaning.

So please forgive me all my seriousness,
My so-called spirituality,
I’m just a mess.
I’m tears and anxiety,
But I’m unafraid to See.

And I’ve forgotten who I used to be,
The leader in her glory shining, divining.
And I’ve forgotten, the courage I used to be,
The middle passage is so damned humbling,
persona crumbling,

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try, and I try.
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know,
And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try, and I try.

Like some El Greco painting,
No sun or sky.
No lantern, no candle needed to light,
The holy radiance behind the eyes.

And I’ve forgotten who I used to be.
And I’ve forgotten the woman in red, living her dream.
And I’ve forgotten the courage I used to be.

I don’t know...